Siblings Rivalry

I never really bothered much about this issue. Even though I've 2 girls, they've gotten along pretty well (some bossing around by the older one, a bit of whining from the younger) UNTIL NOW. At ages 6 and 3, the real thing has begun. The younger one has ceased being little miss nice about everything the older sister does to her. Everyday there's endless bickering, screaming over toys and books, teasing, coming to me tattling about what the other has done or said.

I tried to recall my own experiences with my siblings. Nothing much came to mind. Perhaps because of the wide age gap, I didn't really clash with them much. So I Googled and found a host of articles on sibling rivalry. Almost all those I chose to read quoted a book by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, "Siblings Without Rivalry - How to Help Your Children Live Together so You Can Live Too". I quickly searched the library and promptly made a reservation for the book.

It's an easy book to read (finished it in 3 days). The authors shared strategies on handling sibling relationships using real life experiences of a group of parents. The recurring idea throughout the book is for parents to constantly create opportunities for siblings to have good feelings for one another, to create a family environment for such feelings to grow. Having this helps parents to implement various strategies to reduce the clashes between siblings.

Although the book is not written from a biblical perspective, it does highlights several mistakes that parents make in handling sibling rivalry and seeks to provide better alternatives. It made me evaluate the way I relate to my girls, whether I've unknowingly stereotype them, cause them to be jealous of each other and compete with each other. It also caused me to think about my relationships with my siblings and how my parents relate to us.

So far I tried a couple of methods from the book:
1. Stop my younger girl from coming to complain to me about her sister by asking her to say politely to her sister what it is she wants, and asking my older girl to respect her sister's requests. It's still on-going but I'm surprised how my older girl seems to be more agreeable to accede to her requests when the sister asks for it instead of me asking on her behalf.
2. Stop praising one's behaviour to get the other to do likewise. This creates unnecessary competition between them.
3. Get them to say in words what's bothering them instead of letting them whine and call each other names.
4. When they fight for things, get them to work out a solution instead of me being a judge to decide who gets it.

I don't think it's enough to just employ the methods stated in the book. The greater need is to shepherd their hearts to be more like Jesus for their words and behaviours come from an overflow of their hearts. And more importantly to keep praying for them.